Blog | Tristan Kernan

It's the end of June; summer is in full swing (I've got to get to the beach still!). There's a heatwave this week, I'm hunkering down with the A/C on, hoping that there's a break in the heat for my 5k run this coming weekend. The past week was slower, but felt faster - I notice that my inner energizer bunny is ramping up. I'm planning to be intentional this week about slowing down in volume and in individual efforts.

What about last week?

Obsession

I had a premonition that I'd relate to this movie, and I sure did. I thankfully went with some friends, and was blessed with a good crowd in the theater: there were as many laughs as gasps and moans. To say that I relate to Bear, well, it's painful to admit to myself and the world but it's oh so true. My relationship with my stepmother growing up, as well as my romantic relationships, closely modeled Bear and Nikki: I was unable, unwilling, or did not want to break off unhealthy relationships. When I hear others criticize Bear as the bad guy in the movie, well, they're not wrong. It was selfish of me to stay in unhealthy relationships, and I played a major part in the dysfunction.

The movie itself was fantastic, it seems that we're in an era of quality low budget horror movies. That hints to me that as a society we're seeking our own terror and pain reflected back to us on the screen.

Cold Plunge

I had heard about cold plunges for years; I had my first exposure to Wim Hof some years ago. I dutifully tried cold showers, but once winter rolled around I couldn't stand the intense chill. I've recently been getting back into the breathing exercise and cold showers after reading Breath. I wanted to fulfill the full journey with a true cold plunge, though, so I recruited my girlfriend and we booked a session at a contrast studio. It was way too expensive, given that what's provided is a hot tub and a cold tub, but options were limited and we were excited to do it so we figured let's splurge.

The studio is located inside an upscale gym, so we got to shower and hit the sauna before dipping in. As my focus was on anxiety recovery through activation and relaxation, we spent the majority of our time in the hot tub, soaking in the warmth. The basic structure was a few minutes in the hot tub, followed by a brief cold dip, and repeat. The tub was 50 degrees fahrenheit, which I way underestimated as "not that cold" - my bones were aching within a few seconds in the water. I faced my fear of the cold and submerged myself over and over, noticing that I became anticipatory towards it, my heart pounding. I managed to stay in the cold about ten to twenty seconds at a time, gradually extending the time, and ultimately submerging my head helped.

I noticed pretty clearly my thought patterns and automatic/body reactions. As I said, my heart was pounding in anticipation of entering the cold. Once in the water, the fear signals were overwhelming, which led to a panicked mind. While I was exercising my nervous system, I became obsessed with elongating each cold dip: I had to stay in longer than my girlfriend, certainly, and I should really be staying in the recommended full three minutes! I wasn't able to override this thought pattern, but I was able to be aware of it and not judge myself, as perfectionism is how I was raised and continues to haunt me.

Empty Cloud

I have been attending meditation sessions at Empty Cloud for over three years. I feel so grateful to have access to an incredible space so close to me in West Orange. The grounds are an old Christian monastery, evident in the architecture, crosses and old wall paintings. Empty Cloud is run by monks who live there full time (though they travel quite a lot). The monastery offers retreats for laypeople, and weekly programs. I usually attend on Saturdays for the mindful evening program, typically structured as 30 minutes of meditation, 30 minutes of dharma talk/lecture, and 30 minutes of q&a with the monks. Each monk who leads the program has their own twist, and it's been my pleasure to learn from so many different monks over the years.

In particular I've enjoyed the different meditation practices: body scan, loving kindness, elements, emptiness, instruction-less. I always get something out of the talks, and my favorites are always on the basics, which I feel are practical for my every day life: witnessing, making small changes, accepting, letting go.

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