Blog | Tristan Kernan

“That some of us should venture to embark on a synthesis of facts and theories, albeit with second-hand and incomplete knowledge of some of them – and at the risk of making fools of ourselves” (Erwin Schrödinger)

Artist's Way Week 4

I started the Artist's Way a month ago, seeking to get in touch with my inner child/inner artist, to learn to play and be more spontaneous. So far, so good, as I've started to open myself up to more of the good in the world. I don't buy into the "benevolent god" idea of a Higher Power, and that's long been a point of some contention for me in 12 Step. This book is helping me to better understand my own idea about good and Higher Power: there is good and bad in the world, in my closed off / victimized / solipsistic / narcissistic / ego-driven state I can't see nor access the good, but as I practice opening up / embracing the discomfort I see there is good, or at least opportunity for good in the world. As Julia says (we are on a first name basis, I don't think she'd mind), I still have to do the footwork, it's just that, as a monk shared last weekend, rather than walking in a circle blind to repeating the same patterns, I'm starting to notice and have the courage to walk new, unknown, uncertain paths.

Speaking of discomfort, I did not know to expect the week 4 media deprivation challenge. However, it came about with some serendipity: all of my tv shows ended their seasons the week before (SNL, 60 Minutes, The Boys). I therefore entered the week with courage and slightly less FOMO.

As the book was written in the 90s, I sought out others' perspectives on a modern take on reading deprivation. It seemed the idea remained the same, just with updated tactics: stop taking in others' ideas, giving my own inner voice room to speak. Practically, that meant:

No:

Minimal:

Yes:

I am proud to say that I survived the full week, seven full days (Sunday midnight to Sunday midnight) following these rules. From a small sample size, I got the vibe that others generally did not take this as seriously as I did, whether skipping, or limiting instead of eliminating media consumption. That's not to say that some don't take it even more seriously, one person's experience included no non-critical texting nor reading (not even restaurant menus!). I am satisfied with my ruleset, and the proof for me in my experience is the widened perspective I gained.

I was most excited about dropping distractions when eating, on the toilet, before bed, and when tired. I've long tried to embrace the discomfort of just doing the activity itself, with myself, but could not make it more than a couple days before the old distractions returned. And I will readily admit, I experienced a lot of discomfort last week. I felt it most apparent in my body, specifically in my back, as it remained tense for most of the week. I took the opportunity to accept the discomfort, sit with it, help it to move with yoga, breathing exercises, cold exposure, running. Nothing eliminated the discomfort, and I was surprised to note after the first few days that part of me started to lean into the slower pace of stimulation, even as another part felt stressed.

It was helpful working with my therapist to see that my inner teen felt the tech deprivation specifically to be a punishment. Growing up, I was stuck at home in a rural area, so I leaned on technology (video games, social media) to escape a chaotic home life. Pulling back on tech last week, my inner teen felt that he was losing something, or having something taken away; this helped me to understand some of the tension, and start to think about how I could integrate technology in a way that affirms this part of my life, without becoming a compulsive distraction that curtails my current life.

A key insight of my experience was that chronic distraction doesn't alleviate anxiety, it actually reproduces it. That's to say, as I reduced stimulation, I also craved it less. Time started to flow differently, suddenly slower paced activities didn't seem like such a drag - for example, running without headphones (I noticed I was the only person doing so!) I felt the run go by significantly quicker than in the past when I suffered through each footfall music blaring in my ears. Long drives without radio or music went by quickly. My meditations were much better, I experienced dropping into a quiet and calm state much quicker and easier than usual. I also found myself craving more time on the cushion, longer sessions, trying out seldom used approaches like progressive muscle relaxation at night.

I also noticed my cognition and memory improved, quite drastically: suddenly I could remember all of the events of the previous day. Over time, I felt my inner voice start to speak up, and it was like greeting an old friend who had slowly faded away some long time ago. I am gifted with a powerful and creative mind, but for some time it's been relegated to passive observer instead of active participant. It's special to get back in touch with myself in this way.

My journey to a full tech detox did not start last week, but goes back years. I knew that I had an unhealthy relationship, and started tapering off maybe three or so years ago, in successive year-long rounds. The first round of tapering was eliminating the "worst of the worst" of social media, video games and pornography usage. The next year, the "less bad" social media. And then I was reduced to mostly browsing the news and wikipedia. So the background for a full week detox paints a comprehensive picture of a multi year journey to radically reshape my relationship with technology.

Moving forward, my plan is to continue with tech-free mornings, meals, nights. I'll be flexible, I'm not going to deny myself a Saturday morning movie if I am really excited about it (that's the fun and play, as opposed to self-deprivation mindset). Even two days after ending my fast, I haven't watched tv nor turned on the radio in the car. I feel the slower pace working through me, fiber by fiber, and I'm curious to see what more time will reveal.