At the monastery yesterday, the monk explained how people form images of others in their minds, and those images crystallize. For example, older family members may treat you as if you were still a child, because in their mind they still see you as a child.

Change and attachment

This example is great, because time gives a concrete representation of change. As people change, the images we have of them in our minds lag behind.

We grow attached to the images, subconsciously, without intent. It takes constant effort to keep the images in sync with reality. This effort is rarely applied because people tend to change slowly.

At a certain point, though, the gap between the image and reality may become too great, leading to disillusionment, a disturbance, conflict.

Conflict

This conflict is natural, and most of the time is resolved unconsciously. Sometimes, however, it bleeds into the conscious.

One possible outcome is denial: pretend that the person hasn't changed, like the family members in the example. Denial is insidious and powerful, unconscious and invisible.

Another outcome is confrontation: "You've changed!" spills out in the midst of a fight started by something unrelated. The confrontation expresses anger, in an attempt to pull the other person back into line with the image.

Yet another outcome is acceptance: understand that one's perception is delusional, that one's mental images approximate but do not mirror reality. Accept that people change: impermanence.

How well do you know your friends?

This discussion is topical for me, as I am realizing that the images I have of people in my life are incongruent with reality. It's painful: I feel grief at the loss of the images, the fantasies. Loss is a perfectly apt description, even though I am not losing something real: it's my attachment to the fantasies that causes suffering.

I am grateful to have gained this perspective. In my past, I acted out, tried to coerce people to stay in line with my images. It never worked, though that didn't stop me from trying again repeatedly.

Now I choose to accept that the people in my life are constantly changing, coming and going.