"You can't win the lottery without buying a ticket" - wisdom shared with me this week.

Buying a ticket

I have spent my adult life minimizing risk in favor of the safety of routine. I have bought few "lottery tickets," whether for small and large "jackpots." When I have, it's usually at the behest of another, which allows me to mask my own vulnerability by projecting it onto another. Or, it's driven by the winds of fate, which absolves me of the vulnerability of making decisions.

This has been the playbook by which I did not live my own life, but rather tagged along in others' lives, buffeted by forces and wills not my own. I avoided the risks involved in making decisions, taking chances: both failure and success.

In finding an emotionally safe and supportive community, I have developed the resilience necessary to experience my own vulnerability. This has enabled me to start taking chances. This has given me the courage to challenge myself, to risk not knowing myself, to chance changes to my life that might just get me where I want to be.

Winning the lottery

And where do I want to be? Only in digging deeply into my psychology have I been able to start to authentically ask and answer this question. "What do I want?" is so readily answered by my false self that seeks to protect my vulnerability, guiding me towards the safety of the known and the routine.

The work of uncovering my true self involves seizing opportunities to play the lottery. In playing, win or lose, I discover myself, I forge myself.

Sure, it would be great for my wildest fantasies to come true. But so many of those fantasies are the stories that nourished and protected me when I wasn't willing to risk buying a ticket.

As I start to buy tickets, I surrender my desire for any particular outcome. I accept the experience, the vulnerability, the uncertainty, just as it is. And that makes every ticket a winner.