A recurring theme recently has been grace. I think of it as acceptance of my limitations, faults, mistakes, missteps, and more broadly "myself."

I have a number of self-improvement efforts in motion at any given time. A recurring one is internet usage. While I work to be intentional with my computer usage, I am working on changing a habit that is almost two decades old. There are days where I choose to spend an excessive amount of time doomscrolling. I notice that these days coincide with strong or overwhelming emotions.

Rather than treat myself poorly, for example with shame and guilt, I am learning to treat myself with grace. That means "giving myself permission" to spend time doomscrolling. After all, it's a very narrow focus that only looks at such behaviors without the bigger picture.

I am proud of what I've accomplished, of how much I've grown. I am able to face complex, emotionally charged situations without panic, obsession, or compulsive reactions. I am taking charge of my life, taking responsibility for its outcomes. Two years ago I was miserable at a job, in which I could not handle maturely emotional difficulties. Recently I marked two years at a different job in which I've demonstrated emotional maturity and now reap the benefits: peace.

To look at even an evening of doomscrolling and video games and shame myself is to miss the forest for the trees.

I had the pleasure of connecting with an old colleague, and in a startup pitch he told me about his weight loss journey. He said that he'd tried the calorie counting apps, but felt that the constant awareness of intake and exercise led to feelings of shame. He then stumbled upon a different kind of app, which did not require calorie counting: instead, one took pictures of their meals and received gentle nudges with the goal of building healthier habits slowly.

I am also a fairly habitual person by tendency, so I have a personal stake in new approaches. I think that positive reinforcement can be a powerful incentive. I also think that shame can be a powerful blocker to change: that's where grace comes in. Maybe there's an opportunity for a habit building app that works on positive reinforcement and grace.

However, the interaction between grace and relapse can be tricky, especially for certain kinds of habits. Maybe that's the point of grace, though: if it were easy, it wouldn't be worth much!

In a podcast recently I also heard an interesting take on addiction. Jung had told an alcoholic patient that recovery was rare, and typically required "spiritual realignment." I have been pondering this recently, and I think there is truth to it. Some habits are less intense, obsessive, compulsive, and easier to break - but others, true addictions, become so ingrained that transformation is necessary to overcome them. And even having overcome the behavior, doesn't mean the behavior disappears: it leaves its marks, it rears its head in dark times. Diligence is necessary to avoid relapse, though it does get easier over time - though it can be quite a long time to escape "survival mode."

All that to say, I am practicing giving myself grace.