Layers
I'm back from my trip to Greece. Three weeks of travel feels like a year; in measurements: 4 cities, 5 beds, 3 flights, 2 ferries, 1 car rental, 5 beaches, 5 museums. Greece felt to me like a land of contradictions, rich and poor, fast and slow, punctuality and delays, bustling and quiet. My experience was much the same, contradictory in many of the same ways. It all blended together to give me time, space and a mirror for self reflection.
History
I was dismayed to learn that the frescoes were re-imagined from fragments - yet how different is this from recollection and interpretation of my own fragmentary memories?
Browsing the galleries of the archaeological museum in Heraklion it suddenly became obvious to me the parallels between human history and my own. For my entire life I've other-ized myself, put myself apart from people, constructed an internal framework where I am special and unique. My ego ran the show, judging and measuring, comparing and differentiating itself. My ego believes itself to be unlimited in its potential, and views others as tools to be used to achieve a greatness that would reflect its desired self image back at it: that of power, and control.
In the history of the earliest European civilization, I was ready to be humbled. Just as the course of a civilization is determined by causes and conditions inside and outside of its control, so is my own course of life. Just as thousands, millions and even billions of people live their lives determined by causes and conditions inside and outside of their control, so do I. A part of me that was holding onto my ego was able to slacken, and I feel the pressure decreased.
Origins
For decades I thought I understood my childhood. I was able to accept that it was out of the ordinary, if only based on the amount of time it took to explain the rotating cast of characters and scene transitions. A gift of insight that I've received is a new perspective, one which has been the key to a transformation of my inner and outer worlds.
At a very young age, I lost my family. I don't know exactly when or how, partly because of my age at the time, and partly because the participants are unable to speak of it, whether through death or denial. I thought I understood this event in my childhood, despite my ignorance, but as time goes on, I am coming to see how deeply this affected me. It seems simplistic to trace the course of my life through one event, a sort of fatalism - I don't believe the future had been fixed at that point, anymore than it is right now - but I do believe that some events or processes dominate the trajectory of the future.
In response to this overwhelming tragedy, I can appreciate how my ego grew outsized, in an attempt to protect a vulnerable child. I can appreciate how my ego became reinforced with the notion that other people are dangerous and cannot be trusted. I can appreciate how I came to see myself as fundamentally different than other human beings.
Change
I struggle to feel calm, safe and stable in my life. Even simple acts like sitting in the park spiral into future or guilt tripping, anxiety taking over. As I've come to learn, this is an inability for my nervous system to relax, put another way for myself to turn off for a while. I can intellectually understand that I am in a completely safe situation, yet my body does not feel it.
Form and content: my intellectual framework and emotional reality grow and change at different rates in different times. An intellectual understanding of my childhood does not immediately yield an emotional transformation. On the other hand, consistent effort towards healing emotional wounds is not immediately noticed: travels are a reset that enable me to see my growth.
For my entire life the effort to heal has been a complete and total mystery. I was raised with unhealthy expectations around learning, I was expected to "get it" on the first try, by myself - to ask for help risked wrath instead of vulnerability. Taking this into my adulthood, I tried and failed countless times, using the result as proof of my deficiencies. I'm now learning how to learn, as I'm shedding these old mental habits and gaining emotional resilience.
I am realizing that repetition and initial failures are part of the learning process. Approaching new activities or topics with calm and curiosity serve me better than anxiety and insecurity. Learning with others can be a source of inspiration and energy, not just judgment.
Layers
Moreover, I am realizing that mindful repetition is key to healing the deep, emotional parts. A Buddhist monk shared about this recently, saying that it's now well understood how sensations build into feelings into perceptions and finally into conscious thoughts. She followed up that the opposite may be practiced: from thought down to feeling and sensation. This is loving kindness, mindfulness, equanimity, reframing, etc. - applying the mind to influence the heart.
The key revelation for me is the repetition. I am so used to expecting of myself instant results. Faith is the belief that change and growth are possible, even when I can't comprehend it. As another monk shared once, faith can be as simple as believing that someone is further along the path than I am, that if they can do it, so can I.
The training of the mind and heart takes time, effort, and repetition. For matters of the heart in particular, there's no guarantees on timeline. The Buddhists like to say that it takes decades of consistent practice to achieve any meaningful progress towards enlightenment. I think the point about the duration is not to discourage the practice, but the ego. I am coming to see, in glimmers of insight, that the practice itself is the enlightenment, both the goal and the destination. That it takes a lifetime to achieve - well, it's a lifetime of practice that I can learn to appreciate and enjoy.