Samsara
I'm not sure where this post will go. I want to organize and record some of my thoughts that are taking shape, in the process of taking shape, hence not quite coherent yet. I hope this helps me to synthesize my experiences and understanding of myself.
Wandering
Buddhists describe samsara as wandering, in the sense of aimlessly and blindly walking the same circuit over and over again. I relate to this concept strongly: I am becoming aware of the trends in my friendships, relationships, work, and so on. There's patterns to my behavior, patterns that I live and breathe without awareness, many of which cause me suffering large and small.
I've long struggled with the notion that I am not in control of my own life. I've related to the drifters, the explorers, the adventurers, the wanderers: people whose control over their life is demonstrated in their continuous motion. I've related to the underdogs, the heroes who've overcome impossible situations: people who've beat their fate through willpower, determination, courage.
It's come as a revelation that outward displays of overcoming do not necessarily imply resolution of inner troubles. I think there may be a correlation there, in fact: the more that control is sought in the outside world, the less there is in the inner world; in other words, the more striving, the more inner pain.
Reenactment
I learned the term trauma reenactment in therapy recently. I felt another piece of the puzzle had fallen into place. It's painfully (emphasis on painfully) obvious that so many of my patterns of behavior stem from my childhood. It's a challenge for me to build and maintain relationships, stemming from a persistent cosmic background anxiety that perpetuates a state of fear, simple but powerful fear of rejection and abandonment.
I have understood for some time that I am attracted to what I know; where what is known may or may not be healthy or wholesome for me. Easy example is food, I tend to eat the food of my culture, and within that I tend towards the same meals and food items for the most part; new or "exotic" foods don't quite taste right until they've been repeatedly ingested. A not so easy example is relationships: raised in a family where my needs were not met, I feel comfortable in my adult relationships where my needs are not met, and uncomfortable when they are met. How's that for causing my own suffering!
The key insight from trauma reenactment is not the repetition of behaviors generally, nor the repetition of harmful behaviors specifically, but in the rationalization of the behaviors themselves. While I am engaged in unhealthy behavior, that is causing me suffering, I believe I am acting in my best interest, in a healthy way - more than that, I believe that I am resolving and overcoming my original traumatic experiences. I am living in both the past and the present at the same time, merging them together, merging the people together, responding to my girlfriend as if she were my mother, responding to my boss as if he were my father.
The example from my therapist is of someone who experienced sexual abuse as a child. As an adult, they engage in sex work to feed their drug habit, and their mindset is that they have the power over their clients because they are being paid. As a child they were powerless, now they have the power - all the while engaged in dangerous and self-destructive behavior; they have internalized the anger directed at them and replay it against themself.
Resolution
Speaking with a close friend of mine, she shared that she feels she's working through her past through her current relationships: an older male parallels her father, an older woman parallels her mother. Something clicked when I talked with her: trauma reenactment is the psyche's instinctual attempt to heal from the psychological wounds of the past.
To heal, there is me, and the environment. I have spent the vast majority of my time reproducing unhealthy environments for myself, working within my "comfort" zone. In the past few years I've shifted into healthier environments, friendships, relationships, while shifting out of unhealthy environments. The healing power of my environments is slow and subtle, molecular.
For "me", I struggle to find the words to describe my experience. I can point to external changes easily. I don't know how to point to inner changes. "By their fruit ye shall know them" - I can point to the differences in my behavior, characterized most evidently by the changes I've made to my environment. But now I've come full circle. Ah, circles.
I don't have the words to describe my experiences. I just have a hunch, I have an intuition. Something about me is different today than several years ago. Something significant and profound, but not radical - a tipping point, a critical state, a what-have-you. At some point I became willing and able to change (or was I always able, but not yet willing? or was I able and willing, but waiting for the external spark?), at some point I dipped my toes into someplace new.
In this new environment, with this new me, the old me has been able to work through the old environments.