Blog

This is a follow-up to my one year reflection post last year.

Changes

Recently, and more generally, I've experienced changes in my life, mainly in my relationships. Some of my early fellowship friendships have ended, some abruptly and others slowly. I am navigating changes within current relationships, some newly forming, others transitioning. These changes are challenging for me, emotionally and spiritually. I feel more aware of my dysfunctional patterns of behavior, my desire to "act out" emotionally, throw my life into chaos, bury my head in the sand.

The metaphor that's resonated with me recently is Rocky Balboa, going the distance with Apollo Creed. There's no victory in relationships, no knockout, no celebration. There is throwing in the towel, quitting, or getting knocked down and not getting up again.

I feel like I've been going the distance. If I'm generous with myself, the rounds started long ago.

I asked myself why I am experiencing challenges in my relationships. Wasn't my life calmer in the past? Ah, but it was so much poorer spiritually - I had so much less connection, so many fewer friends; naturally I struggled less.

Relationships are the causes, products and ingredients of my recovery.

Okay, that's enough getting current. I needed to get that out.

Staying the same

So much of my life has stayed the same in the past year. I live in the same apartment, drive the same car, have the same job. My relationship to what's stayed the same has changed, though. I feel more stable than ever at work, navigating the challenges of a changing role and long tenure. My apartment is feeling more like home. I'm addressing issues with my car prudently.

I'm adopting a two pronged approach to serenity. One, I aim to work on acceptance of my current situation, whatever it may be. Two, I want to empower myself to make changes and take risks. These go hand in hand for me, as I cannot predict what the future will hold: perhaps I'll remain in the same job/apartment/car for the next five years, or perhaps my company will go bankrupt/car will explode/apartment burn down tomorrow. I want to be able to acknowledge and accept life, no matter the outcome.

Mountains beyond mountains

A key learning in recovery for me is that each stage reveals the next. And there is always a next. I had been feeling steady recently, having navigated emotional challenges in recent months (dating, travel, family). Sure enough, by remaining committed and invested in healing, I soon found more peaks hidden behind the clouds.

While it's intimidating, and at times exhausting, it's the most rewarding and fruitful actions I've taken for myself. At Empty Cloud recently, the monk shared that becoming aware can be quite painful. After all, reality contains a lot of pain. As I lessen up on my emotional and spiritual painkillers, as I grow in my awareness, I am experiencing the pain. And I am coming out stronger for it. The monk said that it gets easier as equanimity grows.

Dating

Speaking of relationships, I would be remiss not to discuss how my dating strategy has changed in the past year. I joined a second fellowship that focuses on dating and intimacy. For me the programs fit together like puzzle pieces. The people that I've met there demonstrate powerful vulnerability and honesty, it's a wellspring of inspiration for me. I'm so glad that I am part of this community.

My approach to dating is the healthiest it's ever been. I am finally slowing down enough to get to know someone before committing. I am setting boundaries with myself and others. I am developing confidence in myself. While I haven't been "successful" in the sense of finding a long term partner yet, I feel that I am no longer blindly stumbling from dysfunctional relationship to dysfunctional relationship. I am showing up authentically as myself, and letting others reveal their authentic selves.

Hope

Throughout all the challenging emotional struggles of the past year, the seed of hope has grown within me. I feel that I can handle what life throws at me. And when I can't, and need to fall apart, I know that I'll have my friends there to help me pick myself back up again.

I am doing things that I never dreamed of (at times I don't even feel like myself!). I am reconnecting with my family, volunteering and making myself of service, and building healthy relationships with myself and others.

I cannot wait to write my next update in a year.