Blog

I am approaching one year in a 12 step fellowship. As fate would have it, I also just wrapped up Step 12. While not easy to write about publicly, I want to take the opportunity to reflect on my experiences in the program.

Hitting a bottom

A nasty breakup led me to the church basement. I was miserable, full of anger and resentment. I had just read a self-help book that suggested that my unhappiness was due to my own behavior, and in spite of heavy denial, I was open to try something new.

I didn't even know what a "bottom" was at the time. A lot of terminology was new to me, as I started navigating the program. I felt awkward, running out the door the moment the meeting ended.

In the shares and the readings I found a reason to keep coming back: my own story being shared by someone I've never met.

Fellowship

My sponsor told me that fellowship is half the program. It was months before I felt comfortable enough to hang around after meetings. I remember how anxious I felt when I first asked someone to meet for coffee. And how nervous I was when picking up the phone to call or text. The anxiety hasn't disappeared, but it's dissipated over time.

My sponsor's words proved true: fellowship is indeed a critical, and awesome, part of the program. The relationships that I've developed with fellow travelers stand in stark contrast to those outside. There is an emotional safety that I haven't experienced elsewhere. There is so much power and healing, whether reaching out and being heard, or picking up the phone to lend a friendly ear.

Step work

I started the steps after about 6 months. I was nervous, and understandably so: I was intimidated by the prospect of amends, I didn't feel I had the spiritual "credentials." I managed to start despite the fears, and I am so happy that I did. If attending meetings is opening the door to a new life, the steps are walking through it and living it.

I took my time, not aiming to rush through it. I called weekly with my sponsor to discuss the reading. I took breaks for vacation. I became willing to do what the program asked, on faith, and the guarantee - if it doesn't work, the program will refund my old life in full.

I have begun making amends, which I believe are a reflection of my own growth and healing, as well as continued growth and healing. I will be honest, it isn't easy. It's required a ton of self reflection and humility. So far, I've noticed an enhanced peacefulness in my life as a direct result.

Balance sheet

So what has this all been for? I have spent a significant amount of time and energy on working the program, attending weekly meetings, engaging with fellowship.

I have heard from others that I sound lighter now than when I walked in the door. They've noticed the changes, the growth, the healing within me.

I have noticed it too. I have cultivated self-love, humility, honesty, and surrender. I try to keep my focus on myself, and let others live their own lives. I try to make space for others emotions. I try to feel and honor my own emotions. I try to ask for help when I need it.

My relationships have changed, too. I have parted ways with close friends. I have a new awareness in relationships, and a sense of intention for selecting and nurturing positive relationships. Most importantly, my relationship with myself has improved dramatically, and that has improved all of my relationships.

Next steps

Finishing the steps isn't the end, but the beginning. I will continue to attend meetings, make inventories, and make amends. I can't wait to see what my life is like after another year in the program.